If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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