my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
