The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
