Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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