I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
