I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
