dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
