chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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