i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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