I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
