Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
