Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
