I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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