My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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