Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
