Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
