there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
