I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
