My room smells like vodka and shame
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
