she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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