he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
