I'm so fucking centered right now
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
