i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
