Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
