i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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