I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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