dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
