oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Everclear isn't food dammit
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
