i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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