Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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