There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
