Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
