Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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