Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
