she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
