apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
