my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
