I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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