When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
