Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
