Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
