she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
