I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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