I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
