do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Randomize
