My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
