i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
