every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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