Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
