life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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