so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
