The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
