I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Randomize
