Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
